Joy and Sadness

I know the feeling of holding both Joy and Sadness at the same time. Both feelings are valid. I had a vision of this as I was walking with Lucy at a state park in August 2023. This was the week between confirmation of pregnancy visits which turned out to be confirmation of pregnancy loss. 

I saw two hands reaching out of the sky and one had joy and happiness in the left hand. And in the right hand was sadness and grief. 

Both were going to be outcomes I felt during this process to become a mom. 

I still felt this way for the first 4 months of this current pregnancy. I didn’t want to create a baby registry. I didn’t feel joy because I was fighting fear and worry. I wondered constantly if something would happen again. 

As a faith-based person, you know what you’re supposed to do with worry and fear and doubt. Scripture is clear. But it’s still hard to practice and walk out, after you experience complications, whether it’s pregnancy loss, or failed IUIs or parts of the reproductive system aren’t functioning correctly.

So it’s a battle that only individuals and their partners can understand fully after experiencing the hardships and hurdles from trying to conceive or choosing reproductive assistance.

If you’re reading this and haven’t experienced these issues, I’m very grateful. Wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I felt led to write up examples of how you can show up for friends/neighbors/people during these times:

• Ask when you can drop off a meal or ask if that’s even needed or wanted (sometimes a warm soup & sandwich is!)
• Send an Uber eats, Favor or door dash gift card for them to use when they’re ready
• Send a CVS Target Amazon or Walmart gift card – during a miscarriage there are items you need that need to be purchased and it sucks and sad to go in a store and purchase them 
• Send flowers like an orchid if the person likes flowers (orchids low maintenance & live a long time)
• Send a text to checkin asking “What do you need right now or what can I do for you right now or in this moment?” 
•  What errands can I run for you? I think I would have taken anyone up on returning my baby girl clothes to Target for me. I had a neighbor walk Lucy during the painful days and post surgery/ which was a HUGE gift.
• Send or make a package to drop off or be delivered- comfy blanket, candle, gift card, snack, water, etc – think about a cold rainy day feel goods or post someone dying comfort foods and feels

These are just examples of what I received but also what I’ve done for others. 

Also – things to avoid saying or doing:

• Don’t say “I know how you feel” if you actually don’t know or have experienced!

• Don’t say “it’s going to get better with time”. It may not. It may. But it the moment that really doesn’t help.

• Don’t offer a book to read for healing, if you haven’t experienced this yourself or if they’re not book readers.

• “let me know what you need” – um, we’re not going to do that when you’re bleeding for 14 days.

• “I’m here if you need to talk”- again see above.
• “It will happen for you, it just wasn’t the right time” just don’t say this -no explanation needed.

Feel free to drop comments on how people have shown up for you in hard times. Or things that didn’t sit well during your pregnancy loss, or IVF journey