This was the hardest part. Choosing a donor. In case you didn’t read my long journey, I learned on February 2, 2023, that my egg reservation had depleted and had no viable eggs to retrieve. So I had to find a donor, on both fronts – sperm and egg – if I wanted to become a mom. It’s somewhat hard or intimidating to talk about having double donors, but the more I talk about it, read books, and educate myself, the more it is not uncomfortable, awkward or personal. It is mine and Oliver’s story (and if my additional embryos come to life) and his future siblings!
So, heck, let’s talk about hard things. Life is hard. It’s not what we plan. But God’s in control of my story, and I’m hopeful it encourages couples or individuals to see a pathway to becoming a parent.
For the sperm donor – it was hard – I felt like a dating app on California Cryobank (one of the only 2 reputable cryobanks in the U.S.), has a website for viewing. I was swiping on my phone, looking at baby photos, checking out genetic screenings, medical histories (self, parents, siblings, grandparent level), psychological profiles, personality interviews, educational history, ethnic makeup, and the story they wrote to prospective recipients.
Yes, this is the norm for donors – all of this is in the profiles – they are screened to the top!
I had to choose a sperm donor first, I can’t remember why, but it has something to do with the genetic screening. It has to match and the genetic profiles do not need to have conflicting makeup or genes that will cause a mutation in the baby (all of this I’m speaking without a license).
It wasn’t until I talked to my fertility psychologist (required exam), and she gave me great feedback. Stop looking at the profiles/websites on your phone. Check it out on your desktop. Make it more business-like to make a decision like purchasing a car or house. Take the time to review all of it. Print out the profiles and supplemental paperwork. Then review. And eliminate. And use filters. Did I want a donor that gave until international and US regulatory law limits? (meaning my future child won’t have 150+ siblings!) And last, think about the men in your life and characteristics/qualities you like about them. Are those qualities important enough that you want your potential child to have those same qualities?
I did all of that and it worked for me. I filtered by:
- Genetic screening
- Medical history
- US/International law max donation checked
- Height/build
- Skin color/ethnicity
- Psychological profiles
- Education level
Then I started searching donors. I paid for adult photos. That was worth every penny, because let me tell you, some babies do not grow up to look like their younger self (HA!). I was making progress narrowing down my choices.
So I call CCB and ask more information about 2 donors I’m in between. One has last vials available and he’s very “popular” she said and made great impressions on all the staff and was an aspiring actor (profile pics on red carpets). Definitely a looker… But, he’s definitely not my choice (HA). I have more thoughts on her comments, but I will not share them publicly in this forum.
The donor I chose was tall (like my brothers), played sports (like me and my family), had a Masters degree (like me), had a clean genetic screening, and his narrative as to why he wanted to donate to families was moving. He also quoted Psalm 23 as his favorite thing to quote. The lady at CCB said he was quiet and seemed very kind and humble.
Selection made. Vials purchased. Really only needed one. Had to purchase 2. Bought 3 by advice of my IVF doc.
Now for the egg donor. This one was MUCH MORE TOUGH! I did not expect it to be. I narrowed down my choices with some of the same criteria.
I chose a donor who would donate to the max US/International laws. She had a clean genetic screening, great profiles for her psychological exam, medical history, education level, and her reasons to give were beautifully described in her writing…mainly just to help build families for those who needed assistance. Her photos from childhood to young adulthood just struck me, and I knew she was the one.
Purchased one lot of eggs (standard 6 eggs in a lot).
That is how I chose my donors and with a lot of prayer and intercession all around the choices.
jennifer cofer 