Vulnerable & Overweight
This post makes me feel vulnerable and I hesitate writing it for the general public to read. However I’m going to be obedient because I had a long conversation in the car with Jesus earlier tonight on the way home from the gym.
So – here goes, I stepped on the scale tonight at the gym! Now why did I do this today? The week before Thanksgiving. I needed a reality check from what I’ve thought I have felt for almost 2 years…
You see a year ago July when I went to Mozambique Africa I saw how my clothes fit then saw how I looked in pictures. I guess I never noticed I was gaining weight because I had started running and training for half marathons (in which I have completed 5) so mentally I had convinced myself I was just gaining muscle or either my long runs would make up for my weekday indulgences of eating out, getting desserts, coffee or other scrumptious treats.
I also made excuses such as “I am aging” or “I am traveling all the time so I don’t have time to work out” and “it’s so hard to eat healthy while traveling every week”. I even blamed the Sunday meals that were being served by church partners to our neighborhood and homeless friends that came to our services at the ministry I lived in for the past 2 years.
So here it is – me sharing my weight for all the world wide web to see: 165; I have gained 25 pounds since 2010. That is NOT OK for me! I’m 5’5&1/2″ and a healthy weight should be around 140 – which I did weigh most of my 20’s and early 30’s.
Here’s honesty with how I feel: I am completely miserable. My lower back back hurts like I have never experienced before, my pants fit way too snug and this past year I went up a jean size. (I can’t afford new work pants so I’ll be making due hoping no seams bust open as I walk through the state Capitol in January). I am physically tired of carrying the extra layers of fat on me. I’ve slowed down in my training pace during my runs which is frustrating. I am slightly embarrassed when I go out in public and you can visibly see a fat roll or my muffin top (waist fat hangover the top of the jeans).
Here’s honesty with reality: In 2010, I was healing from a heartbreak so I turned to food. In 2011, I used food as the center point of all my social, family and ministry excursions. More specifically, I pay $35.95 a month for a gym membership – I do not go every week, certainly not 3-5 days a week. I buy healthy food – fresh fruits and vegetables mostly…but yet the past 2 years I couldn’t help but reward myself for a long run with a meal that totally exceeded the number of calories I had just burned running an hour or two. Or I treated myself to a frosty/blizzard or cookie or frozen yogurt with toppings because I only had oatmeal yogurt salad and I deserved it. Or it was 9:30 pm and I was on my couch and a craving or small feeling of hunger kicked in…so I would just fix a bowl of cereal or eat whatever chocolate I could find.
Well all of those choices have consequences and have caught up with me. 25 pounds later and larger. So what am I going to do?
“At just the right time”- a phrase in Scripture that my friend Sydney highlighted for me when we lived at We Will Go together. So at just the right time The Lord had me pick up a book to read a few weeks ago – one in which my friend Jessica said I should read back in June; one that I purchased in June…not 1 but 2 copies because I was going to give to a friend to read with me. So I picked it up in November 4 months later)…Little did I know that this book “Made to Crave” by Lysa Terkherst, would be exactly what I needed to read at just the right time in my life. I highly suggest you read this book no matter if you think you have issues with food, weight, self worth or life in general. Read this book!
I have started tracking my food on an app on my iPad. Everything i put in my mouth I record- yes even the popcorn & handful of peanut m&m’s i had at the Twilight movie this afternoon. I am going to track my exercise – runs and gym visits. I have set realistic weekly goals. I am going to pray through cravings. I am going to say out Loud, “Lord when I’m weak you can be made strong in me! I am more than a conquerer”. I am going to remove any tempting non-healthy foods from my kitchen. I will think twice about every bite I put in my mouth. I will pray more. I will dive into scriptures to see what The Lord says about food. I will increase the fruit of self control over food, cravings and its former temporary satisfaction. I will try and break the strong connection of meeting up with friends and family over food – unhealthy food choices at that. Not that anything is wrong with that but it’s become a must-do, have to do expensive, unhealthy habit for me personally.
So there it is – vulnerable and overweight today – but this will change soon enough: I will become strong, fit and full of self control. I will be completely satisfied in Jesus and not finding temporary satisfaction and comfort in food. I will make healthy eating choices daily and will be exercising at least 5 days a week. I believe The Lord will be pleased with these choices. Satan will lose this battle.
In Jesus name, Amen!
jennifer cofer 